Master Procrastinator

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The Haiku NFL Preview

Posted by Andrew Zercie on September 5, 2009

Future Super Bowl Champion?

Future Super Bowl Champion?

It’s easy to plunk down $4 or $5 for the latest NFL preview magazine and read 66 pages of scouting reports and predictions for the upcoming season that will ultimately be wrong.

What I provide, in 17 syllables per team, is levity, brevity, and spot-on predictions. All for free!

Without further ado, my NFL Preview, in haiku!

AFC East

1. New England Patriots (13-3)

Young secondary/Expect a lot of shootouts/Brady puts up points

2. Miami Dolphins (8-8)

Wildcat formation/Solid team on O and D/Nothing special though

3. New York Jets (6-10)

Team in transition/Growing pains for Mark Sanchez/They’re a year away

4. Buffalo Bills (4-12)

Edwards! Incomplete!/T.O. throws a hissy fit/Expect that often

AFC North

1. Pittsburgh Steelers (12-4)

Steel Curtain Defense/Roethlisberger at QB/Good chance to repeat

2. Baltimore Ravens (10-6)

Flacco, future star?/Is the defense still first rate?/Too many questions?

3. Cincinnati Bengals (9-7)

Chad Ochocinco,/Twitter, Twitter, little star/How, we wonder. Why?

4. Cleveland Browns (5-11)

Brady at QB/Not that one, the other one/It’s the Browns, you know?

AFC South

1. Tennessee Titans (11-5)

Smash-mouth football here/They run, they’re solid on D/Always in the mix

2. Houston Texans (10-6)

A team on the rise/Pieces falling into place/Surprise playoff run?

3. Indianapolis Colts (9-7)

Manning is still great/Lots of experience here/Colts are slipping though

4. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-11)

Coach on the hot seat/Not many playmakers here/Tough division, too

AFC West

1. Denver Broncos (10-6)

New regime, QB/Lots of questions and talent/Intriguing upside

2. San Diego Chargers (9-7)

What holds Chargers back?/I think we forget sometimes./It’s Norv Tuner, folks.

3. Kansas City Chiefs (6-10)

Don’t wait around for/the Larry Johnson comeback./Expect some struggles.

4. Oakland Raiders (3-13)

Commitment to what?/Excellence is a pipe dream/What are they smoking?

NFC East

1. New York Giants (10-6)

An awesome defense/But Eli has to wonder/Who do I throw to?

2. Philadelphia Eagles (10-6)

Vick in the Wildcat/McNabb looks over shoulder/Eagles still succeed

3. Dallas Cowboys (8-8)

Romo can relax/Jessica Simpson is gone/Wade Phillips is next

4. Washington Redskins (6-10)

Defense is better/The problem is the offense/Short on playmakers

NFC North

1. Green Bay Packers (11-5)

 Young, active defense/Rodgers will be an All-Pro/Packers’ sweet revenge

2. Minnesota Vikings (10-6)

Brett Favre in purple/Peterson and defense though/Will make Vikings go

3. Chicago Bears (9-7)

Strong-armed quarterback/Not a lot of weapons though/I sense frustration

4. Detroit Lions (4-12)

Bound to win a few/Calvin Johnson, Kevin Smith/Pieces to work with

NFC South

1. Atlanta Falcons (12-4)

All I hear these days/Matt Ryan: Best since Peyton/He’ll prove it this year

2. New Orleans Saints (9-7)

Defensive problems/Drew Brees: prolific passer/Points galore, for sure

3. Carolina Panthers (9-7)

Running game, defense/Similar to the Titans/Delhomme’s last hurrah?

4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-13)

Just like the old days/Before the uniform change/Tampa’s bad again

NFC West

1. Arizona Cardinals (10-6)

Best of a bad bunch/If Kurt Warner stays upright,/Cardinals could go far

2. Seattle Seahawks (8-8)

 Solid all-around/No dynamic playmakers/Average all the way

3. San Francisco 49ers (7-9)

Frank Gore runs the show/Defense is underrated/Need help at QB

4. St. Louis Rams (6-10)

How soon we forget/Stephen Jackson is a beast/Not much else here though

Playoff predictions, not in haiku (seeds in parentheses)

AFC Wild-Card Round

(5) Baltimore over (4) Denver; (3) Tennessee over (6) Houston

NFC Wild-Card Round

(6) Philadelphia over (3) Arizona; (4) NY Giants over (5) Minnesota

AFC Divisional Round

(1) New England over (5) Baltimore; (2) Pittsburgh over (3) Tennessee

NFC Divisional Round

(1) Atlanta over (6) Philadelphia; (2) Green Bay over (3) NY Giants

Conference Championship Games

(2) Pittsburgh over (1) New England; (1) Atlanta over (2) Green Bay


Super Bowl XLIV (or 44, for those who don’t read Roman numerals)

Pittsburgh over Atlanta


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